Saturday, September 24, 2016



I have been left rabid and wanting
Brief encounter(s)
They have become like sunsets
It always happens
And it always surprises


You were my own private Brexit


You grew up in Stoke Poges
And you felt the ocean inside you like a private
Second heart beat
Just like

Monday, September 5, 2016

Cold tea for writers

I think a writer has no choice but
to get used to the taste
of cold tea

Fun and Games

Do you count the minutes between each text?

Is there a certain amount of time you like best?

Because this conversation could have been over
and we would be much closer

to eating the Chinese food I am now regretting
inviting you to join me for

You are playing a game that no body actually
wants to play

So stop fucking around

I'm hungry

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Lover in a mall

The air was cold and the ground was covered in snow. My legs shook inside my snowflake covered stockings and the furry balls on my moccasin boots swayed back and forth. I was waiting for him outside the bus loop, looking left and right, not sure in which direction he was coming. I didn’t know where the Crest Institute was located. He went there on his own accord, checking himself in to a place where the painfully depressed and the suicidal went to have some sort of convalescence. I was out here in the cold because I was feeling bad for being so angry, for not talking to him for months. I wanted to make it right even though I knew he didn’t deserve it. My phone rings and it’s him, asking me to meet him at the mall, I turn to the right, shuffling my feet and pulling the hood of my red coat over my head. It’s a weird mall, there is a college campus stuck to the side, the whole building entwining into some sort of an education shopping centre.

The big Christmas tree has been taken down and the court yard looks bare and cold. I see him coming from the side wearing too thin of a jacket, his face red from the cold. We embrace and his ear is cold against my face. I scold him for not dressing warmer he smiles and says it’s cold outside. We go inside the mall and he stops to phone the institution, explaining that he will be back an hour later than he promised. I am staring intently at is face, trying to find some sort of a mark that may explain the situation that he is in. He feels sad and far away. I grab his face without thinking and ask him what kind of drugs they are giving him. He tells me nothing more than he usually takes and tells me to stop being so dramatic. It is when we finally sit down with our coffee that he tells me he is also taking Ativan. That would explain that far away feeling I am getting from him. I express my unease about them giving him Ativan. He assures me this is normal and it’s only for a bit. I let the subject drop and let him stare off into space for a while. It’s been a while since we have spent any time in each other’s company and we are awkward and slow of words. He asks me if I want to see the place he is staying in, I ask if I can see his room and he says that no girls are allowed in there. He thinks I am suggesting sex and he gives me that smile. I shake my head and laugh. He is now convincing me we should find somewhere to go have sex. I laugh some more and shake my head, but I am following him.

We walk through the mall and down corridors, the whole thing seems surreal and we end up outside again. We walk all the way around so we can get back inside the mall. This time we find a corridor that is long and winding. We find a corner where there are no cameras. He is coaxing me and I am laughing, from nerves, from guilt of even being here in this corner with him. We start to kiss and all I can taste is the mint gum in his mouth. The snowflake stockings are around my knees and his penis is in my hand. He turns me around and takes me from behind. My hand reaches out to the dusty wall as he slams into me from behind, the hood of my coat keeps falling onto my head. I don’t feel passion, I don’t feel excitement. All we are; are two bodies, rocking in a corridor in a mall somewhere in the suburbs.

We used to be two people that for over a year tried desperately to love each other. But we were afraid of loving too much or not enough at all. The crazy in our heads made us toxic and poisonous and here we were, he was trying to fuck the pain away and I just needed to feel something. But the pain was still there and I still felt nothing. We were just two people rolling around in our human and trying to feel okay about it. Our heat of the moment didn’t last long and we readjusted our clothes and slipped back into the mall, like nothing happened. But I could feel the wet in my underwear and I could see a part of him closing back up, disconnection. We headed to a restaurant and ate as companions and talked about our crazy.

We said good bye over calamari and potato skins and coco cola. We summed up the reasons for our failures and the reasons we should never be together. We even talked about the failures of all our relationships and shared a moment that we both understood. We left the mall of education and he walked me to the bus stop. We kissed and said our goodbyes. I told him to take care of himself and if he needed me just to call. I made it clear that I would not be calling him and left him to his walk alone, back to the place of sadness and loss. The only thing I feel now is release. No more anger, no more sadness. I left it all in the corridor of the mall.


I think all that running around has made us tired

all those lovers

all those heartbreaks

I am sorry I fucked your friend

I am sorry I was afraid to love you

Let’s just be sweet now

like apples baked in pies

let’s make baby pies with your ears and my chin

The bleed

Being alive in this world can be awfully painful. What with all the feeling going on. All those things we assume and expect. Right now for instance, my brain is telling me he is not texting me back because he really was grossed out about me getting my period in the middle of sex. Well, I already knew it was sorta there, I just didn’t think it was there, there, you know. So I ask him how his day went, even though I don’t really care. I think I would just be really relieved if it were all over. And yet, I am seething inside because he hasn’t texted me back.

Please don’t hate me. Please don’t be offended by me. Please don’t reject me. Please want me. Please like me. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t actually get to know me. I don’t know how it feels anymore to have someone fit so well within me. I no longer know how to share my bed or my life. And yet I still want you to text me. I just want to know that there is someone else out there that enjoys my company as much as I do.

It’s funny, because by tomorrow I will just laugh and shake my head over the fact that I bled all over our fucking. I’ve bled for worse things and I am still here.

Too much space

It didn’t sink
It didn’t come to rest at the bottom of my rib cage

Hanging from that curved bone
Like star dust might hang from the moon

I was wet fingers on a wet glass 
Slipping out and shattering all of our many pieces on the floor

I carried us both inside

I think if it was your broke open on the floor
It would only be reflections of you

I couldn’t stain myself inside of you
I used to tell people that we were like Chinese finger cuffs
No matter which way we pulled we were stuck fast.

Your finger slipped out
Somewhere in the night
An elusive fish swimming into the cavernous dark

It wasn’t sinking in

There was too much space inside my rib cage